Bacon, Bloody Marys and Tang at the Palazzo Las Vegas

Craps, mysterious armpit injuries, fireballs and creepy, costumed men. Yes, such is the stuff of Las Vegas. My friend’s dirty thirty birthday weekend did not disappoint, but I am sorry to say, that the bloody marys of this past weekend may have. Perhaps it’s the grandiosity, the excess, the bacchanalia of Sin City that raises one’s expectations. Or perhaps it is only that I did not manage to leave my room until 3pm each day. But my only two bloody marys of the trip were rather unextraordinary.

I Love Burgers offers an aptly named “I love bloody mary” with Ketel One vodka, house made bloody mary mix and an Applewood-smoked bacon strip. Ketel One was a nice touch, and the bacon ain’t nothing to sneer at either. Add in a blue cheese stuffed olive and a seasoned salt rim, and this cocktail had all the makings of a promising hangover-curing elixir. But what looked and sounded great actually came up, well, average? You know, like after you take off the Spanx and the push-up bra? Don’t get me wrong. It was fine. But maybe the problem was that it was just fine. It’ll do. It’ll get the job done. And if you manage to make it out of your room between 8 and 10:30 am, it’s only $5. For that price, I might drink two. But for the regular $10.95 price tag, I’d probably pass. There are too many other drinks to be had in Las Vegas.

I Love Burgers earns 2.5 Celery Stalks.

Grand Lux Café offers a “Spicy Mary” with infused pepper vodka and homemade bloody mary mix. First, I don’t know who the hell’s home these people are getting their damn house-made, home-made bloody mary mix from, but maybe they need to try a different guy’s digs. Heavy, salty and severely lacking in spice, the only thing that made it palatable was my own drunken determination and the large amount of ice that soothed my severely dehydrated soul. Second, I sincerely doubt that if, in fact, they used infused pepper vodka, it was anything other than Absolut Peppar (and not very much of it at that). So if you find yourself at the Palazzo, I’d suggest skipping the not-so-grand Spicy Mary. Also, because I care about the quality of all your alcoholic libations, skip the Tang-like mimosa, too. You’ll thank me.

Grand Lux Café earns 1.5 Celery Stalks.

Post Script: If you're looking for the top bloody marys in SoCal, please check out my new book, The Drunken Tomato: A Definitive Guide to the Best Bloody Marys in Los Angeles and Orange County

I Love Burgers 3327 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109. T: (702) 242-2747.

Grand Lux Cafe 3327 S. Las Vegas Blvd., Las Vegas, NV 89109. T: (702) 733-7411.

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